Old Masters, 25 November 2004

Dear Ian and Fellows,

Mr L.S. Dawes was head of the school when it was in Effingham. He was also the compiler of the Daily Telegraph Crossword which caused ruffled feathers amongst our security forces just before D-Day. A fuller account of this may be found on “The Strand Grammar School” website. (Worth buying a computer just for this, Dennis).

Mr Alnwick was head of the school at Elm Park and, but for his untimely death would have succeeded Dawes on his (Dawes) retirement. I am sure I would have done rather better with him as head than I did with Cox. Coxy referred to Brian Owen as a buffoon. Some might agree, but it does not indicate the sympathetic view one might expect from a caring head teacher. Of me, he told me that: “words failed” him and, to my mother, that he had “met my type before”. Charmed. I was interested, though not surprised, Ian, to see that Coxy had also marked your card. He was a bastard, but fair; he was a bastard to everybody.

Basically, he did not have Alnwick’s humour. Mind you he would not have been as upset, as poor Alnwick was, by the behaviour of a few chaps in the class two or so years above us. I will have to make enquiries as to what actually they did. Whatever it was, it was sufficient to have him cancel the forthcoming Christmas Panto and vow not to have another one. A vow assisted (sad to write, by the Grim Reaper). I suspect it was the same group who named his successor: “Mum” and gradually removed his atlases ‘till he was reduced to pleading with Mr Hicks for any spares.

If you recall, Jim Voce did have a strangely weather-beaten face; deeply lined. He looked older than he was. Exposure to the elements in a Jap POW camp would certainly explain this feature. Additionally, he had boundless patience. I would think his war time experience would have toughened him to an extent that even (Paul) Gadd (2a) could not upset him. Whether he was connected with Essex bowlers, I do not know, but am inclined to say yes. About two years ago, a lecturer in Human Biology (or similar) by the name of Professor Sykes was discussing the subject of DNA testing (the basis of many an American Forensic TV film). A lady student, also by the name of Sykes wondered whether she and the professor were related. He compared their DNA and found they were. Further, they contacted Eric Sykes, who happily volunteered his sample; Yup, he was also a relative. Voce is not a name I have come across elsewhere (unlike Mann), so there.

However, when I next have a word with Hippo, I will ask him. I have the idea that a little of me goes rather a long way with chaps 20 years older, whom I have not met face to face, for a generation or two. Ah, Mr Wilks. An utterly blameless man, if ever there was one. He trained at Borough Road College, (now Brunel University). I suspect he may well have been one of the one year squad. Not a bad system. From my experience at BRC, most of the three years was wasted. We would have done far better as “day release” students. As it happens, I have read that many in the profession now agree with this idea.

Mr Anthony, the natty taffy. I never got a warm (or any) feeling from him. He appeared quite elsewhere. He was a member of the Streatham Liberal Party, along with my parents. Even so, he seemed an absent man. His only good idea, when teaching French was to bring along a bingo set, appoint “volunteers” to act as callers and let us learn their numerical system enjoyably. So successful was this idea, he never tried it again. Actually, I can think of many parlour games which would lend themselves to assist in the cheerful learning of a foreign language. Needless to say, he never tried any of them either. As I recall, most of the lads (then aged about 12) were more interested in what could happen under the desk rather than over. But (m’lud) it was only due to boredom.

I dread to think how Mr Wray shambled into teaching. He had no idea of imparting knowledge of artistic skills. During the two years I attended his class, I can only remember him lurching to his feet to bellow:

Paint:

“The End of the World”, or: “Armageddon” or “A passenger liner sinking - with loss of all hands”. Or something equally choice. He would then sink back onto the seat on his raised dais surrounded by members of the 5th Remove, mostly unshaven louts whiling away the time before call up mercifully removed them from the streets of South London.

Following my conviction that the World is a stage; some years later, I watched The Trials of Oscar Wilde (Peter Finch as Oscar, Lionel Jeffries as Queensbury) and immediately recognised the tableau of The Marquis of Queensbury playing the part of Wray and John Bennett (Goebbels in the film: Hitler, the Last Ten Days) playing the part of E.J.Cook (5th Remove)(one of Wray’s Henchlets).

I certainly remember Mr Dawes announcement that Mr Wray was leaving the school and teaching to become a pig farmer being greeted by most unseemly but understandable guffaws from the pupils. As for the teacher of English opposite Mr Hicks. He was “One of the lads”. I remember him describing his son as: “up and coming”. Jenkinson (now a head administrator of a technical college) immediately perceived the sexual connotation and, repeating the words, cackled loudly, to the teacher’s obvious satisfaction.

He (the teacher) also gave new meaning to the word: “Recent” as in “books recently returned”. “Recent, yes geologically speaking”. He was attempting to denigrate the efficiency of West Norwood Library. On the principle that a person can be counted upon to denigrate anyone or thing he or she has wronged, I was not surprised some years later to hear from a young ladyfriend who had worked at this library that the (nameless) teacher was well known for borrowing more than his entitlement, returning them late and refusing to pay fines.
The other teacher whose name I have forgotten, but taught physics in “Dennis” Sly’s old lab had been named “The Dome” by pupils of his previous school. According to my source, he would have left Strand if the name had gotten out. I assured the fellow that the secret was safe, though I should think he is past caring now. As for his name, I have forgotten it. Brian would know, as he was The Dome’s Chief Tormenter. On the subject of Chief Tormenter the French teacher who could not keep order was “T.W.Edwards” known at first as “Spud” (work it out) but fairly quickly by his initials as “Twee”. Suited him. His Tormenter was: our very own Brian.

That should do you,
Neil